Today was the first day since my mom went into the hospital, that I actually had nothing to do. Since the day she went into the hospital 10 days ago, I have kept myself busy. Whether it was visiting with her in the hospital, or making arrangements after she died, I have not had a day to actually just do nothing. I decided that I would finalize her eulogy.
When I realized that my mom was not going to wake up, (and I think I was the first one to actually grasp that), I started to write her eulogy. Perhaps that was morbid or premature, but it helped me get through the most emotional time of my life. After she died, I asked my dad if I could read the eulogy at the funeral. He knew that I had been chronicling her illness all week in my blog and said that I could.
Writing and delivering the eulogy will help us all remember my mom – who she was, what she did and what she enjoyed about life. My words will remind us of happy memories, anecdotes and stories that made us smile. which is something she loved to do. I hope to bring back happy memories of her. She had a booming laugh, and before she got so ill with COPD, she was such a social person. She was the life of the party.
I think that the most difficult part of writing and presenting her eulogy will be the emotional aspect. Throughout this entire time, I have really been able to hold it together. Not just for my kids, my family and for my dad, but for myself. When I write my blog, I cry every time. It is a release for me. The same thing happens when I read some of the sentimental emails, Facebook messages and texts that I have received. I cry. So as I was writing the eulogy, I laughed remembering so many happy times, but still I cried. My fear at the funeral is not crying in front of everyone. My fear is that if I start, I might not be able to stop.