grief time

Today DJ turned 16!  When he was born, everyone told me to enjoy every minute because it goes  by so quickly!  They were right.  No more toys and video games for gifts.  This year, he all he wanted was a New York Mets jersey, a gym membership and DRIVING LESSONS!!  How did that happen??  When a girl turn 16, it is called her “Sweet Sixteen”, but is there really a celebration for boys when they reach that age?  Tonight we will have a low-key celebration starting off with watching Drew’s baseball game and then pizza for dinner.  That’s more DJ’s style – low key and mellow.

Celebrating his birthday, I have been thinking of Tim and Francine a lot today.   Something that they were going to experience this year.  Something that Timmy had wanted for so long.   Not only is he grieving over the loss of his wife, but also the life of his child. Even though it was so very early in her pregnancy, I know that Tim is grieving the loss of the baby as well.  I know that Tim finds it very important, and perhaps comforting, to talk about the baby.  They were trying to get pregnant for awhile, so they already had names chosen.  It seems that miscarriage is not talked about often.  Although, in this case, it was not a miscarriage, it was another life that was lost. Many people do not know what to say, unless they have dealt with it themselves.

I am one of those people who doesn’t talk about it much.  I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, the year before DJ was born.  Before that, no one had ever discussed it with me.  I did not know anyone who had suffered the same loss.  After it happened, so many people came forward to share their similar stories.  I had no idea how common it actually was.  I don’t know why people are so private about it.  Dave and I were struggling over the grief of a child we never had the chance to meet and talking to others who had gone through a similar situation was reassuring.  I still remember that pregnancy just as clearly as my other two pregnancies.  It was uneventful up until that day.  I never knew if it was a girl or a boy, but the due date was October 2, and I remember it every year on that day.

It is so hard to hear, “everything happens for a reason”, and I heard it so often after that.  When I look back on it now though, I realize that had that not happened, I would not have my DJ.  My charming, happy, well-mannered and all around great kid.  I am sure that Tim cannot get past that phrase right now, but I hope that someday, he is able to somehow turn what has happened into a bittersweet situation as well.

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