Two Months Today

I don’t know how it is even possible that it is two months today since my mom died. How can that be?  In some ways it feels like it has been forever, and other times, it feels like yesterday.  Although now, the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks have turned to months.  I went from seeing her nearly everyday, and talking to her several times a day, to not hearing her voice at all.  I ask her to visit me in my dreams every night, but she hasn’t come yet.

I still reach for the phone on a daily basis to call her.  Not a day has passed that I have not thought of her or missed her.  It just seems odd trying to get back to normal, when my normal included her in everything.

For some reason today, I just felt extra sad, and I am not sure if it is because of it being two months now, the gloomy weather this morning, or actually what it was – but I am grateful for my good friend at school, who just let me cry for a few minutes where no one else could see me, until I could take some deep breaths, pull myself back together and get back to my day.

I haven’t shed tears for mom in a few days.  At first, there were tears everyday.  Sometimes while writing my blog, other times in the car, often in the shower, but this was the first time in front of someone else in awhile.   I even got through Mother’s Day with very few tears, which totally surprised me. I think that since I was dreading it so much, that I had prepared myself for the worst and wound up actually having a nice day, albeit missing her.  Today, just came out of the blue…no warning.  I assume those days will happen now and then.  Happy and sad events, and those that might seem trivial to anyone else might just break me.

These last two months have been so crazy for our family. Maybe I just have not allowed myself the opportunity to break down.  Now that things have been finally slowing down, maybe my body just gave in.

So perhaps as I carry my mom in my heart, my missing her may never really end, but my mourning will lessen.  She will sneak up on me when I least expect it, and it might bring me to tears again, but I know that I have enough friends and support to give me those few minutes to catch my breath, and that chance to let it out.

Tagged: Ann Lamott, broken heart, friends, grief, missing mom, Mother's Day, normalcy