Where I Stand

Where I stand, is the photo prompt for today. I don’t have a photo today. Instead, I am sharing this video and website I came across today, Love has No Labels.  It is where I stand, what I believe and what I love.  It should be shared!

Our First Mother’s Day Without Mom

I have been dreading this day for nearly two months now.  No phone call to my mom this morning to wish her a happy mothers’ day.  No morning mass with her and dad followed by Mother’s day brunch to celebrate with her.  No corny Hallmark card to “Tell mom how much she really means,” this year.  Commercials and store displays are constant reminders of all my family has lost in the last few months.

 We invited Dave’s mom to join us today.  She’s not coming, so we called her and wished her a happy day.  I know that she does not read my blog, so I will save my mother-in-law stories for other days.  She was not the greatest mother to Dave, (and he will be the first to admit that), and she has not been around much for our children, so since I am not going to bring negativity to today’s blog, when I want it filled with love, these stories will have to wait.

Mother’s Day this year is filled with conflicting emotions.  The pride and joy I feel for my own boys and the sorrow I am feeling for my mom. Them, celebrating me, with  biscuits, hugs and kisses for breakfast, and me trying to smile through it all when I am just thinking about mom as I sift through photos and post them to Facebook for the memories – as if anyone could forget her.

Today, the weather is nothing short of “glorious”.  We will celebrate at my Aunt and Uncle Bucky’s home.  They opened their pool, and all of us will go there; cousins and siblings and all of the kids.  We will keep it simple a barbecue and celebrate with our own children. There is no way that my mom would want us making today a sad day.  I know that she and Francine are watching over us today and celebrating their own special Mother’s Day, together with the babies that died along with Francine.  They are in Heaven having their own celebration just as we are.  I find comfort knowing that my mom gets to celebrate Mother’s Day with her own mom today!  They have been apart for over 45 years and this year, they can finally have a celebration together.   Dale’s mom Gladys, will be with them too, watching over us and smiling and just being joyful knowing that what they created, continues to flourish and love and thrive as we spend time together.

Dave and the boys gave me a “joint gift” for my birthday and Mother’s Day, an ipad mini, which I wanted so much!  So there were no presents to unwrap, and I wasn’t expecting any but I did wake up to the best present of all.  Drew got a new phone yesterday.  Almost ready for Middle School, we felt it was time.  My phone buzzed early this morning with my first text of the day.  It was from him and all it said was “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!” but it made me smile to know that I was the first thing he thought of this morning.  I guess I am doing my job – thanks Mom!  I miss you.

Good Bye

We thought that it would be quick.

Hospice even rushed us into her room after they took out all the tubes. That is how fast even the the doctors thought it would be. It wasn’t.

We were assured that she was in no pain but they still administered morphine. She just lay there breathing shallowly. Something she hasn’t been able to do on her own for so long. It was like she was sleeping.

The day started out with my dad, sister and sister-in-law and I going to the funeral home to make her arrangements. It was stressful and it was difficult but we chose her favorite songs and readings and picked out her casket. We decided who would speak at the funeral and who would be pall bearers.

We headed over to the hospital knowing we couldn’t prolong it any longer. Dad signed some paperwork and we were asked to wait in the waiting room while they took off all of the life support. After we went back to her room we waited for her to pass. We told her all about The plans for her funeral. We promised that there would be no pink. She hated pink! We chose one if her favorite yellow dresses and told her there would be lots of yellow flowers. Her favorite color. It matched her sunny personality! We wrote her obituary together and read it to her.

At seven o’clock Jeopardy came on. She and my dad watched it together every night. She kept hanging on. Finally we decided to take shifts to eat. Some if us hasn’t eaten since yesterday. Kathi and Tim, my younger siblings left first. Dad, Chip and I stayed. A few minutes later I watched as she took a few more breaths with more and more time in between each. At 8:53, nearly 7 hours later she was gone. Maybe she was waiting for Tim and Kathi to leave so they did not have to witness it. Maybe she thought dad, Chip and I could handle it?? We will never know.  What we do know is that it was so peaceful. We turned off the tv, and just talked to her until she was gone.

I am sure that right now she is standing at the gates of heaven breathing in huge breaths of air and because of that,  I am so happy for her even though I am so sad for all of us here.

Everyone who was ever touched by her in their lifetime should have faith that she will be watching over all of us because that is just the kind of person she was.