Tag Archives: miscarriage

Remembering – Sharing Again

sometimes there are no words

Today, I am sharing a post that I wrote last October.  I am sharing it for someone close to me.  Someone who is going through the same thing.  I know that she and her husband are grieving right now and there is very little anyone can say.

I just hope that they know how much we love and support them and that we are there for them however they need us to be.

Remembering.

Remembering

pregnancy and infant loss awareness

Every time i turn around, I hear that today is National Something or other Day!!”  I found out today that it is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.   I had no idea there even was such a thing.  From what I read, it is, “An opportunity to break the silence and stand together to honor and acknowledge all of the precious babies.”  

Although I don’t talk about it often, I had a miscarriage. I don’t even know if my own children know that I had one.   A baby that would have turned 17 on October 2.  I never have forgotten the due date.  I remember it every year.  I don’t celebrate it, or mourn it.  I do think about it though.  I wonder if it was a girl or a boy.  I made it to 11 weeks.  It was before DJ was even born so at the time, I was devastated, thinking I’d never be able to have a baby.  I blogged about it once before, after Francine died, while being pregnant with twins.

It comes up occasionally in conversation, but usually it is only if I am talking about a friend who has been through the same thing.  Miscarriage is not uncommon.  I believe that statistics say that 25% of women have experienced a miscarriage.  So I do wonder why so few people talk about it.   Why is it kept private?  Before I experienced it myself, knew of only a few women who had gone through the same thing.  Once it happened to me, I began hearing stories of so many more women who miscarried as well.

As I have learned over this past year, everyone grieves differently.  Yet, when my mom and Francine died, their deaths were openly discussed and we wept and grieved together.  With the loss of my unborn baby, although I had support of loved ones, it seemed very different.  I think I still went through the stages of grief; sorrow, denial, guilt, anger and finally acceptance.

I kept hearing, “Everything happens for a reason.”   In the end, I do realize that is true.  I didn’t understand it at the time and I did not want to hear it, but a few months after that miscarriage, I did get pregnant again.

I don’t write this to gain sympathy.  It happened so many years ago.  It is a part of my past.  It is a part of what makes me who I am.  I look back with retrospect and although I do not think of that baby constantly, there are things that occasionally bring up a memory.  Especially when Oct. 2 rolls around.  I don’t cry anymore.  I just remember and remembering is a good thing which is why after seeing this “International Remembrance Day” I decided to share.

Birthdays

grief time

Today DJ turned 16!  When he was born, everyone told me to enjoy every minute because it goes  by so quickly!  They were right.  No more toys and video games for gifts.  This year, he all he wanted was a New York Mets jersey, a gym membership and DRIVING LESSONS!!  How did that happen??  When a girl turn 16, it is called her “Sweet Sixteen”, but is there really a celebration for boys when they reach that age?  Tonight we will have a low-key celebration starting off with watching Drew’s baseball game and then pizza for dinner.  That’s more DJ’s style – low key and mellow.

Celebrating his birthday, I have been thinking of Tim and Francine a lot today.   Something that they were going to experience this year.  Something that Timmy had wanted for so long.   Not only is he grieving over the loss of his wife, but also the life of his child. Even though it was so very early in her pregnancy, I know that Tim is grieving the loss of the baby as well.  I know that Tim finds it very important, and perhaps comforting, to talk about the baby.  They were trying to get pregnant for awhile, so they already had names chosen.  It seems that miscarriage is not talked about often.  Although, in this case, it was not a miscarriage, it was another life that was lost. Many people do not know what to say, unless they have dealt with it themselves.

I am one of those people who doesn’t talk about it much.  I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, the year before DJ was born.  Before that, no one had ever discussed it with me.  I did not know anyone who had suffered the same loss.  After it happened, so many people came forward to share their similar stories.  I had no idea how common it actually was.  I don’t know why people are so private about it.  Dave and I were struggling over the grief of a child we never had the chance to meet and talking to others who had gone through a similar situation was reassuring.  I still remember that pregnancy just as clearly as my other two pregnancies.  It was uneventful up until that day.  I never knew if it was a girl or a boy, but the due date was October 2, and I remember it every year on that day.

It is so hard to hear, “everything happens for a reason”, and I heard it so often after that.  When I look back on it now though, I realize that had that not happened, I would not have my DJ.  My charming, happy, well-mannered and all around great kid.  I am sure that Tim cannot get past that phrase right now, but I hope that someday, he is able to somehow turn what has happened into a bittersweet situation as well.