Mail for Mom

I was all set to go to bed when I remembered I hadn’t written tonight. Today’s photo prompt is “A Word.” I had no idea what to write until I saw the pile of mail Drew had tossed onto my desk this afternoon. There, in the pile was a catalog from Justice. I have only shopped there once, for my niece Gabi. Because of that, I occasionally I get mailings from them.

When I was in college, I had a credit card tied to my dad’s. That was more than 25 years ago. I obviously don’t have that account anymore. It was long before I ever lived in the house I am living in now, but once in awhile, I will still get something addressed to him even at this address. My mom and I never had accounts tied to one another, so I don’t quite know how this happened. I actually don’t want to really know. It was just nice to see in the pile so my words for today, are her name.

(I cropped out my address for obvious reasons…)

The Beatitudes

One of my favorite readings at mass has always been the Beatitudes. I think of them as reminder of how we should treat one another. As I sat through mass this evening, I couldn’t help but think of how un-christian like our president is being right now.

I haven’t gone to church in a few weeks. I have been disheartened and trying to find some reasons to get there but haven’t been able come up with any. I go through this now and then – doubting my religion and wondering where I belong. Tonight the mass intention was for my mother so my sister Kathi and I went to the service. One of the songs during mass was, “Blest are They” always a favorite of mine but also one my mom loved and sang proudly and loudly! It actually brought some tears to my eyes but to be honest I am not sure if they were for my mom or for my frustration over how our country is divided right now. Maybe a combination of both.

I got through most of the mass, listening to the readings (all based on the Beatitudes) thinking, as long as they don’t play mom’s absolute favorite, “Be Not Afraid” I would be fine. Kathi and I presented the gifts at mass and sure enough the song played. I couldn’t hold back my tears.

Here are the words of the hymn:

You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands,
and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters
in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the pow’r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

I couldn’t help my tears. I am afraid.

When I got home, I saw this statement from Pope Francis,

“It’s hypocrisy to call yourself a Christian and chase away a refugee or someone seeking help, someone who is hungry or thirsty, toss out someone who is in need of my help. All nations must focus on service to the poorest, the sick (and) those who have abandoned their homelands in search of a better future for themselves and their families.”

This pope, who I have said since his first days, has intrigued me. His ways of thinking so different from so many popes of the past. I wonder what would happen if he and President Trump sat down and had a talk…

A Sign – 3 Years Later

It has been forever since I wrote. Things are so busy with work and grad school.  My grad school course is on line and in a discussion forum format so I write several times a week there and a lot of it is reflection – so I haven’t stopped writing completely -just not here.

Today, I needed to share.

Three years ago today was the day my mom stopped breathing and was put on life support. It is NOT the day she died, but it was the last time I spoke to her. She had called me that morning around 9:05 in the morning. I only remember the time because I was teaching and about to start our morning meeting. She never called during the day so when I saw her number, I answered it, thinking something was wrong. All she told me was that she was making dinner reservations. I was quite abrupt with her telling her that it was a typical Friday so why was she calling me at work to tell me.  we did the same thing EVERY Friday night so what was different about this one? She really had no reason, just said good bye and that was it. The last time we spoke.

I am one of those people who sees “signs” everywhere. When I see pennies on the ground, I think it is a message from my mom. Butterflies were always my good luck sign, but since my mom died, I like to think they are her sending me a message.

This morning, I was getting ready for our day to begin at school. As I walked in my room, I almost stepped on a little pin that was on the floor. I bent down to pick it up and noticed it was a butterfly. At the same time, I glanced at my phone. The time was, 9:05. Perhaps just a coincidence, or maybe, just mom saying hello. I had sent her a message of my own on her facebook page this morning. We never deactivated her account.  My message to her was just a little heart. Nothing more, but maybe she saw it and was letting me know.

I asked each of the kids in my class if it was theirs and one little girl realized it was hers and that it had fallen off her jacket. It was broken. At the end of the day I shared the story with her mom. I gave her the broken pieces of the pin in a bag. Shortly after that, the little girl came running back and gave it to me and told me I could have it because she knew it was special to me – even if it was broken.

Cynics might just laugh – but I love seeing signs and I think that was truly one today.

Mom’s Things

Today would have been a “big” birthday for my mom. She would have turned 70 years old today.  When I was a kid, I used to think 70 was so old but not so much anymore. Last night, we all went to my dad’s and ordered Chinese food (her favorite.) Today, we will release yellow balloons from her bench.

My dad has a hard time with change. He hasn’t let any of us move her things. This includes clothing from her closet and drawers. He is also a “saver” and all of our bedrooms are still filled with lots of “stuff.” Not just his stuff, all of our stuff.  My sister Kathi and I have the least there but both of us had a few things to get rid of. My brothers, although both live on their own, have their bedrooms almost exactly the way they were when they lived there.

My sister and her family have fallen on tough times financially and are going to be moving in with my dad for awhile, until they can get back on their feet.  This means, the five bedroom home – the very “filled” five bedroom home – needed to be cleared out immediately.

We finally convinced my dad to let us clear out my mom’s closet. Promising we would donate all of her clothing, shoes and bags and then, move all of her formal dresses that are in Kathi’s and my closet, (there are a lot them,) into the closet in the master  bedroom. The dresses were one thing he wasn’t ready to part with. Gowns from our weddings and special events they attended. We all understood and began purging.

My mom, who was a very simple woman, (she didn’t care about labels or names,) had SOOOOOO much in her closets, it filled two industrial sized blag trash bags and four boxes! That doesn’t even include all of the purses and bags, (Fendi, Gucci, Coach,) some of which I had never even seen since so many had never been used. Kathi and I each found a few that we kept for ourselves and we decided to try to sell the bags on a local swap page and the interest has been huge. I had no idea there was such demand for these “old, yet new” bags.

We gathered so many shoes and clothes, we needed to get them out of the house immediately because we couldn’t just leave those bags and boxes. We had divided them into bags with bag with “nearly new or brand new items” in some and one of “mom worn” items.  She was notorious for spilling on herself so those went into a different bag to drop off at a collection box.  There was so much collected, that DJ and I decided to take a ride and bring them, to the local church that was having a rummage sale and drop the other bag into the donation box.

When we got to the church, there was a sign on the doors saying, “No More Donations!” I didn’t want to put it all in a donation box because I have heard that a lot of that stuff just gets shredded rather than donated. I couldn’t imagine that! There were brand new clothes with tags on some of it! We decided to drive over to our own church where there are two collection boxes.

I let myself be naive enough to believe that the sign on saying it would go to Catholic Charities meant it just might be given to people rather than be shredded.  DJ and I unloaded the heavy boxes and bags and started to stuff them into the bins. The bins were so full, we couldn’t even get one bagful in. We tore open one of the bags and tried to put things in one piece at a time. We were only able to get one bag emptied and that was it. Not another stitch of clothing was getting in there.

DJ and I joked that mom was trying to send us a message; either she didn’t want us giving away her things, or she wanted us to “share the wealth,” so off we headed to another donation box in town. Problem was that box was gone. We kept driving and got to the donation box I had thought of first for the one bag of clothing in the worst condition.

As we started emptying the bags and boxes – which were too big to fit, once again, we had to take them apart to throw the clothing in one piece at a time. The handle of the donation bin kept jamming. Jamming up, jamming down….we couldn’t help but laugh. It took much longer than expected but we got it all in.

I kept apologizing to mom as I threw things into the bin. DJ kept asking why. He didn’t think she’d have minded and he is probably right.  She was probably laughing right along with us.

Mother’s Day

It is Mother’s Day and as I sit and read all of the beautiful tributes to mom’s on Facebook this morning, I also see just how many of us are missing our mother’s today. On my way to church this morning, I was talking to myself….like I often do, and I asked my mom to let me know that she was thinking of me today too. I was hoping that I’d get a “sign” from her… maybe a song like the time I left the cemetery after visiting her.

My two minute ride to church didn’t really give me an opportunity for that though but while I was sitting in my pew at mass, right before the homily, I looked down and there was a penny. Laying by my foot. “Pennies From Heaven” crossed my mom. I picked it up and held it through the Mother’s Day Blessing. I know…crazy me, always looking for signs. I know they are out there and whether or not they really mean anything, at least for me, they give me comfort.

I guess that although the pain and grief lessens all of the time, we never, ever stop missing our loved ones so these signs are just ways for me to remember.

Over the last year, I began following the story about a little girl named Lily. She was a first grader who was diagnosed with DIPG, an incurable brain tumor. Unfortunately she passed away about a month ago. Her mother shared a story on her facebook page this week. It is a great story to read on those days when we just wonder, “why………”

The Water Bug Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

“Look!” said one of the water bugs to another, “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she’s going?” Up, up, up it slowly went… Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…

“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another… ” Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third… No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs gathered its friends together. “I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.” “We promise” they said solemnly.

One spring day not long after the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen into the broad and free lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come over his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings… The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself above the water.

He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere.

By and by the new dragonfly landed happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

Then the dragonfly remembered the promise. without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…

“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air…

Two Years

Two years ago today my mom died.  It was such a sad day, but we were all able to say goodbye to her and that gave us closure.  Last year, on the anniversary, we celebrated and it was a sad day.  Today was different.  I remembered her, I thought about her, I wore her favorite color, yellow, (thanks for the reminder Melanie,) and we ate her favorite thing – Chinese Food – for dinner.

It wasn’t a sad day.  It was actually a good day.  A happy day spent with friends and family.

I posted a picture of mom and me on Facebook this morning and wrote, “I can’t believe that today is two years.  Missing you mom.”  I was just remembering.  Just honoring her today.  The response was huge.  Everyone sending their love and memories of her.  People checking in on me and our family, but truly, we are doing well.  We all are.  We think about her everyday. Memories of her pop up everywhere. She is always around us and that brings us comfort.

I truly wasn’t sad today.  When I woke, the first thing I wanted to do was go back and read my blog from that awful week in March 2013.  I lay in my bed and read on my ipad. I read each day from when she stopped breathing on March 8th until the funeral on March 21st.  That was it.  Then, I got up and went on with the rest of the day.

That’s exactly what she would have wanted.  No sitting around weeping for her.  She would have hated that. Life goes on.  Our memories of her will last forever and she is always with us. ❤

International Women’s Day

Today, March 8th, is International Women’s Day, a global day celebrating the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future. Although I don’t remember hearing about this day before, apparently it has been celebrated since the early 1900’s, so I decided to find out more information about this day.

Annually on 8 March, thousands of events are held throughout the world to inspire women and celebrate achievements. A global web of rich and diverse local activity connects women from all around the world ranging from political rallies, business conferences, government activities and networking events through to local women’s craft markets, theatric performances, fashion parades and more.

Ironically, this was in the news today as well – stirring up some controversy…

The washing instructions inside a new Indonesian soccer jersey, “Give it to your woman, IT’S HER JOB.”  Really!?!!?  At our house laundry is not my job.  Dave has been doing it since we were married. 22 years of rarely doing the laundry for me!! So no.  Laundry is NOT a woman’s job.  The company that produced these jerseys, is giving this explanation…

“We did not mean to humiliate women. On the contrary, [we wanted to tell men] to learn from women how to take care of clothes… We apologize for any misinterpretations,” Salvo Sports said on Twitter.

Seriously?!!?

But today, I remember my favorite woman.  My mom.  It just happens that the last time I ever heard her voice was on March 8th.  Fittingly on International Women’s Day I guess.  Not that she would have known this was a “day.”  She had called me that morning.  At school.  Knowing full well that I’d be working.  She never did that.  Only texts.  I answered it – even though I was in the middle of teaching, thinking something was wrong. Our conversation was simple and quick.

Hello, I can’t talk now, why are you calling me at work?”

She said in her normal sing song voice,

“Hell-o.  I made a reservation for six o’clock at The Reservoir.”

“Okay mom,” I said, “just like every Friday.”

“See you later,” she said.

That was the whole conversation. Every Friday since I was young, we have Friday night dinner together.  Usually at The Reservoir, a local Italian restaurant in town.  Every Friday, it is at six o’clock.  So why the phone call?  I never got to ask her since she stopped breathing on her way to dinner that night.  I wrote about it here.…last year on this very date.

So on this “Women’s Day” as we celebrate all women, I will especially celebrate her.  I miss her everyday. ❤

Indistinct

Cynics and non-believers of “signs” should just stop reading now because I don’t want to know the logical reason behind this. I love getting signs from my mom and they come so rarely that when they do, I just want to keep them as small reminders that she is thinking about me and watching over our family.

I usually keep my ipad on my bedside table but for some reason on Thursday night, I left it downstairs next to my computer.  When I came downstairs, Friday morning, I did my usual routine, breakfast, answering emails, Facebook….and the ipad just sat there idly.  I do all of that on my computer.  I didn’t even look at the ipad until right as I was walking out the door to go to work, and only then because it lit up with a message.

There are always alerts on it, Words With Friends, Facebook messages, texts, but one stood out.  It was from 8:05pm – while I was still downstairs but an alert didn’t come through then. It said I had a “Facetime Call” from Ellie Gianni.  My mom.

I tried swiping the screen to see where the call came from and the message was gone when I went to it.  I put my mom’s name into my contacts and her number came up as my parent’s home phone.  I still have her name in my contacts, but whenever my dad calls me, it comes up as “Mom and Dad.” Never as Ellie.  PLUS, it could not have been a Facetime call from her home phone.

I sent a message to all of my siblings and my dad to see if any of them had been playing around with my mom’s old phone.  My dad has kept it, but it is in a drawer and not charged.  None of them had.  I asked my dad what time he had called me the night before and he told me it was around 9pm.  Still FACETIME??? How did that came up and where did it go?  There is no record of it on my regular iphone either.

My brother told us that on that same night, he had a vivid dream about my mom.  We were all at a restaurant, an old favorite of her’s, and she was telling him something.  He doesn’t know what it was that she was trying to say.

Drew took a screen shot of it.  Just so I could save it.  Still don’t know what mom was trying to tell me, but today’s photo prompt is Indsitinct, which means, not easily seen, heard, or recognized : not distinct or clear. 

Well, this could not be any more indistinct – so even though it is not a great picture, I am using it because it is something I don’t want to forget.

Don’t Wait so Long

The last two days have been filled with mixed emotions. One of our best friend’s mom passed away.  Last night was her wake, and this morning was her funeral. Although she had been ill and it was expected, it is still difficult to lose a mom and I am so sad for all of them.

As I sat in the church, the same church where my mom’s funeral was, I got very weepy.  So many of the songs were sung at my mom’s funeral and although I miss her everyday, it was one of those days that made me miss her even more.

Her death brought many of our old friends together. Good friends. Long time friends. Occasions like this made me realize how long it has been since we all got together.  We always say it won’t be so long next time, but life often gets in the way.  Each time we say the same thing and promise to make it happen.   We try to have an annual Christmas brunch together with this group of friends and with the holidays around the corner, we are hoping to all meet up for a much less somber occasion.

Life really is too precious. Maybe my goal for the new year should be to really put more effort into making these get-togethers happen. It was so good to see all of them. All of us together in the same place. It has been too long since the last time that happened….it may possibly have been my own mom’s funeral almost two years ago.  We need to find a happier reason and make the time.  It just goes so fast!

Happy Mother’s Day

Last year, Mother’s Day was a completely different kind of day for me.  I had been dreading it but this year, it is only 8 am and already, my Mother’s Day has been nearly perfect!  I got up early before the kids were awake and attempted a run/walk with the C25K program.  I haven’t been able to do it since I hurt my hip more than a week ago.  It wasn’t too bad!  My hip hurt a bit but nothing like it has been so perhaps I am on my way back to normal!

I got home and Dave had a few thoughtful gifts for me to open.  Then, Drew woke up and couldn’t wait to give me a gift he had chosen for me.  I opened up the gift bag he had stuffed with tissue paper.  Inside a found a “pearl necklace.”  He said there were earrings in there but they seem to have disappeared into the abyss of his bedroom.  He is sure he wrapped them, but told me not to worry because,  “they were only 99 cents.”  I told him it was fine and we could go get another pair.  I asked him where he got them and he said he couldn’t remember.  That seemed odd, so I looked at him quizzically and he said sheepishly, “the thrift store.”  I gave him a huge hug and jokingly said, “YOU ARE MY SON!”   He knows how much I love a good bargain and I love looking for great deals.  He couldn’t hold back his smile.

Then, the two of us made breakfast together.  Nothing fancy.  He rarely shows interest in cooking so it was never something he wanted to do.  He has never been a great eater either, although slowly he is expanding his palette and trying new things.  Right now it is scrambled eggs.  We whipped up a batch for the two of us and although it took less than fifteen minutes, we sat down, ate it together and it was the perfect Mother’s Day breakfast.

A little while later, DJ woke up and handed me a gift.  A gift certificate for a pedicure.  Another thing I love to treat myself to now and then.  These boys know me so well!  Even better was the Hallmark card he gave me along with it.  The front of it read, “Some people just make life better for everyone around them.”  That was even better and more meaningful than the gift!

This afternoon, we will go to my grandma’s house for lunch.  We are bringing food in so that no one has to do any cooking.  My almost 99 year old grandma, along with my sister, cousin and aunt will all celebrate being a mom today.  We will miss my mom but she will be there in our hearts and her spirit will be watching over us.  She is still very much a part of our lives and her traditions will continue to be passed along at all of our celebrations, big and small.