Mother’s Day

It is Mother’s Day and as I sit and read all of the beautiful tributes to mom’s on Facebook this morning, I also see just how many of us are missing our mother’s today. On my way to church this morning, I was talking to myself….like I often do, and I asked my mom to let me know that she was thinking of me today too. I was hoping that I’d get a “sign” from her… maybe a song like the time I left the cemetery after visiting her.

My two minute ride to church didn’t really give me an opportunity for that though but while I was sitting in my pew at mass, right before the homily, I looked down and there was a penny. Laying by my foot. “Pennies From Heaven” crossed my mom. I picked it up and held it through the Mother’s Day Blessing. I know…crazy me, always looking for signs. I know they are out there and whether or not they really mean anything, at least for me, they give me comfort.

I guess that although the pain and grief lessens all of the time, we never, ever stop missing our loved ones so these signs are just ways for me to remember.

Over the last year, I began following the story about a little girl named Lily. She was a first grader who was diagnosed with DIPG, an incurable brain tumor. Unfortunately she passed away about a month ago. Her mother shared a story on her facebook page this week. It is a great story to read on those days when we just wonder, “why………”

The Water Bug Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

“Look!” said one of the water bugs to another, “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she’s going?” Up, up, up it slowly went… Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…

“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another… ” Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third… No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs gathered its friends together. “I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.” “We promise” they said solemnly.

One spring day not long after the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen into the broad and free lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come over his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings… The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself above the water.

He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere.

By and by the new dragonfly landed happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

Then the dragonfly remembered the promise. without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…

“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air…

Two Months Today

I don’t know how it is even possible that it is two months today since my mom died. How can that be?  In some ways it feels like it has been forever, and other times, it feels like yesterday.  Although now, the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks have turned to months.  I went from seeing her nearly everyday, and talking to her several times a day, to not hearing her voice at all.  I ask her to visit me in my dreams every night, but she hasn’t come yet.

I still reach for the phone on a daily basis to call her.  Not a day has passed that I have not thought of her or missed her.  It just seems odd trying to get back to normal, when my normal included her in everything.

For some reason today, I just felt extra sad, and I am not sure if it is because of it being two months now, the gloomy weather this morning, or actually what it was – but I am grateful for my good friend at school, who just let me cry for a few minutes where no one else could see me, until I could take some deep breaths, pull myself back together and get back to my day.

I haven’t shed tears for mom in a few days.  At first, there were tears everyday.  Sometimes while writing my blog, other times in the car, often in the shower, but this was the first time in front of someone else in awhile.   I even got through Mother’s Day with very few tears, which totally surprised me. I think that since I was dreading it so much, that I had prepared myself for the worst and wound up actually having a nice day, albeit missing her.  Today, just came out of the blue…no warning.  I assume those days will happen now and then.  Happy and sad events, and those that might seem trivial to anyone else might just break me.

These last two months have been so crazy for our family. Maybe I just have not allowed myself the opportunity to break down.  Now that things have been finally slowing down, maybe my body just gave in.

So perhaps as I carry my mom in my heart, my missing her may never really end, but my mourning will lessen.  She will sneak up on me when I least expect it, and it might bring me to tears again, but I know that I have enough friends and support to give me those few minutes to catch my breath, and that chance to let it out.

Almost Mother’s Day

A few weeks ago, my class planted seeds that we hoped would grow into flowers by Mother’s Day, (if any mommies in my class are reading this – please act surprised).  Well, the seeds did not grow.  They did not even sprout.  I have been laughing a bit about the irony in this because the big joke in our family was that my mom had a “black thumb” instead of a “green one”.  She could not grow a thing!  I think that this is something that I have inherited from her.  So today, I ran out to buy flowers that we will plant for the mom’s and grandmas instead. 

I have been kind of dreading this weekend.  Our first Mother’s Day without mom.  It has been a bit surreal actually.  It was always so difficult to think of a gift to get her.  We always tried to come up with something unique or different.  She never needed anything, never asked for anything.  She always said she never needed more “stuff”.  Flowers were never an option because as I wrote in the beginning of this blog, they would have never lasted in her house!!! 

I have been a part of a few conversations recently where friends are talking about what they are going to do for their moms this weekend.   I notice some of them are realizing what they are saying and awkwardly trying to skirt around the subject.  I hope that they know, that I don’t mind, and in fact I am happy to talk about it. I don’t expect others to not talk about it.  In fact I want them to.

This year, we are all going to my aunt and uncle house.  We will have a barbecue and keep it small and simple.  Mom liked it that way.  My grandma, sister, aunts and cousins, (all moms themselves), will be there too.  We will celebrate each other and just being moms.  We can count our blessings, knowing that our family is fortunate to be so close and tight knit.  All of these women are precious and although they cannot take mom’s place, they are blessings to me.  I am working hard to be the kind of mom my mom was for us and with the love and support of our family, I know that I will be able to do it.  So, although this Mother’s Day will be bittersweet for all of us, I know that mom will be there, along with Francine, (who would have been celebrating her own Mother’s Day as a pregnant mommy this year) watching over us and sending love our way. 

Blogging as Therapy

The last five weeks have made me fall off track a bit on the original intention of this blog; yet, the amount of readers has grown immensely.  Perhaps it is the personal twist I have put into my writing.  I have written about my mom and Francine over and over again, and used my writing as my own “therapy” to get through this sad time.   It has been my way of dealing with it and through my writing; I have been able to let others know how we all are doing.   It has amazed me to see how my blog has been shared.  People are telling me over and over how grateful they were for it because it helped them understand what we were going through and it gave them some peace of their own.

So today, as I sat down to write, I really felt stumped.  Not that my grieving is over, just that I am not sure what else I can write about it.  I am sure there will be difficult days…Mother’s Day is going to be rough this year for all of us.  On those difficult days I will write about them.  When I find myself missing them immensely, I will write about them.  I don’t want to wallow in grief. I want to get back to the original idea of my blog and continue to look for the goodness around us.  I have said numerous times that my mother embodied goodness and kindness. There was nothing that she would not do for someone else.  In Francine’s obituary, we asked that instead of flowers, that donations be made to two animal foundations.  She had a special way with animals and did so much to help them.   The two of them did kind things all of the time.

During this time, of grieving, it is important for all of us who have been touched by these two women, to try to live our lives as they did.  Do as they did.  Find what is important to you and then find a way to help or contribute.  As you go about your daily routines, be grateful for what you have and inspire others to do the same.  There are so many ways to do good and at a time where we are seeing so much tragedy, it seems that it is even more reason to do so.