Tag Archives: normalcy

Two Months Today

ann lamott

I don’t know how it is even possible that it is two months today since my mom died. How can that be?  In some ways it feels like it has been forever, and other times, it feels like yesterday.  Although now, the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks have turned to months.  I went from seeing her nearly everyday, and talking to her several times a day, to not hearing her voice at all.  I ask her to visit me in my dreams every night, but she hasn’t come yet.

I still reach for the phone on a daily basis to call her.  Not a day has passed that I have not thought of her or missed her.  It just seems odd trying to get back to normal, when my normal included her in everything.

For some reason today, I just felt extra sad, and I am not sure if it is because of it being two months now, the gloomy weather this morning, or actually what it was – but I am grateful for my good friend at school, who just let me cry for a few minutes where no one else could see me, until I could take some deep breaths, pull myself back together and get back to my day.

I haven’t shed tears for mom in a few days.  At first, there were tears everyday.  Sometimes while writing my blog, other times in the car, often in the shower, but this was the first time in front of someone else in awhile.   I even got through Mother’s Day with very few tears, which totally surprised me. I think that since I was dreading it so much, that I had prepared myself for the worst and wound up actually having a nice day, albeit missing her.  Today, just came out of the blue…no warning.  I assume those days will happen now and then.  Happy and sad events, and those that might seem trivial to anyone else might just break me.

These last two months have been so crazy for our family. Maybe I just have not allowed myself the opportunity to break down.  Now that things have been finally slowing down, maybe my body just gave in.

So perhaps as I carry my mom in my heart, my missing her may never really end, but my mourning will lessen.  She will sneak up on me when I least expect it, and it might bring me to tears again, but I know that I have enough friends and support to give me those few minutes to catch my breath, and that chance to let it out.

Humanity

humanity

What a difficult time we are going through.  Yesterday was the second funeral in one month that we attended for a family member.  On Tuesday, between the two wakes, we went back to my brother’s home and while we were there we turned on the television to find out the horrendous news of what happened in Boston.  Initially we were all stunned and shocked to see what happened.  We were all so sad to begin with and this news just seemed so senseless.  As more and more information came in, it just became so much more horrific. 

Questions kept running through my mind,

·       Why?

·       Where is the reasoning behind all of this?

·       Why do bad things happen to good people?

·       How will these families get past this?

I know how incredibly sad we all are right now and how difficult it has been for us.  Francine’s death was tragic and unexpected.  My mom had been ill and even still, her death came as a surprise to us.  No one is every ready.  I question why God allows things like this to happen.  In Francine’s eulogy, I said that God must have a plan. I wish I knew what it was. It does not make this any easier but how do we just move on from here?  Do we try to move on and become “normal” again?  Is there really any normal anymore?  Our children are seeing so much violence and no matter how much we try to protect them from it, I fear that they will become desensitized to it. 

Our family has received prayers and support of hundreds of people and that is getting us through it.  The victims of the tragedy in Boston are receiving prayers, well wishes and kind gestures from all over the world.  We can only hope that these prove to be reminders that there is more good in the world and we can overcome this senselessness and find a light in the midst of darkness.

In this difficult time, we need to look for what is good in our lives even in the midst of tragedy.  It seems like a very hard task but unfortunately good and bad exist everyday and we need to concentrate on the good.  Make positive choices and spend time with people that you love and care about.  Let them know how much they mean to you.  Unfortunately our family learned that life can change in an instant, and if we do not take the opportunity to live life to the fullest now, we might just lose out.

Dealing With Grief

dealing with grief

With all that has been going on, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my own life and how I would deal with this if it were my spouse, or my child.  It is not something I want to think about.  It is something I feel I have been forced to think about.  How would I deal with it???  After losing my mom, going back to work was a break – a break from the commotion, a break from the grief.  It gave me the chance to focus on other things.   If it were one of my children or my husband, I don’t know if I could go right back to work – back to “normalcy”.   My mom and I talked everyday, several times a day, but we did not live together and this is a huge factor that my dad and brother have to deal with.  I miss her terribly, but when I go home, my own family is still there for me.

My dad went back to work right away after my mom died.  For him it was cathartic.  He was surrounded by my brothers, friends and neighbors and for him, it has been just what he needs.  With Tim, is has only been four days.  He went to a hockey game on Friday and has joined all of us for big family dinners.  He is playing softball today.  Until the wake and funeral tomorrow, there is nothing else for him to do.

Some might question how he could do these things already, while others think he is doing what is best for him, but the truth is, there is no right answer.  I would imagine that coming home to an empty house is not easy.  There would be no one to greet you, no one to sit with at meals.  An empty house is a reminder of being alone.  Being with others is comforting to my dad and to Tim and it is giving them the distraction that they need.

Losing their wives, the women that they shared their life with…there are reminders everywhere.  Being away from those reminders seems to be what they need right now.  Of course, they need to mourn.  Mourning is how they will deal with their emotions.  It is essential in the healing process.  Life is never going to be the same for them and there is no timetable for when it will get better.  We all will be there to support them.

Family will be our biggest support system.  I cannot imagine how this last month would have been without our extended family.  We are together all of the time.  Even last night, in the midst of all this grief, 30 of us got together for dinner.  It was fun and we laughed, but we also remembered all of our loved ones.

No one can tell us when any of us will feel better.  There is no time frame.  It is different for everyone.   We are all going to have to face a new normal.  We will never be the same again.  Each one of us is changed.  We will celebrate what we had with our loved one and relish the memories.

Already we are finding things about mom and Francine that make us smile.  We need to embrace these things. We are never going to forget, we are just looking for a way to intertwine them into our “new normal”.