Another Eulogy

Today, I gave a short eulogy for my sister-in-law at the cemetery.  I am sharing it here.

 We have gathered here together to offer our support to Francine’s family and friends who cannot believe she is gone. We gather for Tim and her parents, and for all of our family members.

 For those of you who do not know me, I am Timmy’s sister Claire.  Our families want to extend their gratitude to all of you who came here today and have supported us through this extremely difficult time.

 There is never a convenient time for any of us to die.  Sadly, our lives have been touched by death twice this month and how do we make sense of it?  How do we deal with it when a person’s life cut short?  We are all grieving and trying to figure out why Francine had to leave us so soon.

 Francine was not afraid of death.  She dealt with it on a daily basis while working part time in the funeral home while she finished her schooling to become a mortician.  This was her dream.  Perhaps when you regularly deal with death, there is not much about it that will faze you.   She talked openly about it to her family and friends and I can only hope that this will bring them all comfort.

 If you live in this area, you probably noticed the wicked thunderstorm that we had on Wednesday night.  The storm began with an enormous black cloud rolling in.  We did not see in the hospital, but many people saw it and it was so ominous, they remarked about it.  An enormous thunderclap shook the windows of the hospital right at the time Francine died.  There was no way to not have noticed it.  We remarked that it was a sign from Francine, letting us know that she had arrived.  Francine liked to make an entrance and perhaps this was her way of letting us know that she was crashing  through the gates of heaven.  The storm went on for quite awhile and several hours later, as we all left the hospital, the rain and thunder were over but the most beautiful lightening was filling the sky.  Every single one of us thought of Francine.

Francine and Tim had just found out that she was pregnant- it was very early into the pregnancy. They knew that it was much too early to tell anyone yet, so they had not shared the news yet.  They were waiting to get results of their first ultrasound before announcing it.

Only my mom and Francine’s mom knew that they had been going for fertility treatments.  Although my mom died before they got pregnant, I know that Tim found comfort in the fact that she knew how hard they were trying.

Sunday would have been their 6-year anniversary. They should be celebrating what should have been the happiest time in their lives with this new addition to their family.  Tim should not be spending it burying his wife.

I realize that death will leaves behind scars that don’t seem to fade, but when a death is unexpected, it just seems so much more painful.  For our family, two deaths so close together also seems unfathomable.   It will take a long time to recover, especially for Tim.  It seems so very cruel.  We can only hope that there truly is a reason for everything and that God has bigger plans for all of us.

Supporting the Living

Before the death of my mom and Francine, I had been to wakes and sat Shiva for family and friends. In most cases at these events, I was the “visitor” and not the griever. I was going to pay my respects for the person I cared about or for their family.

At both a wake and sitting Shiva, you would find a gathering of people coming together to try to cop with the death of a friend, acquaintance or relative. I realized that wakes and Shiva seem very similar in so many ways with most obvious difference being that the wake is held before the burial and Shiva is after.

I always thought about them both as a way to say goodbye. Now that I have experienced it so closely, I have come to the realization that perhaps they are not held necessarily for the deceased but for the living.

At a point that has been the most sorrowful time of my life, it has enabled us the opportunity to be with friends and family recalling good times and wonderful memories. During mom and Francine’s wakes, there was a sense of solidarity – coming together in a celebration of love for them. As each guest arrived to pay his or her respects, I found myself not only sad but also invigorated and inspired. Old friends who I had not seen in years, and new friends all came to give support to our family. There was not a lot of time to share with each of them individually, but a hug and a smile and even shared tears were enough to let us know that they were here for us and that WE are loved as much as my mom and Francine. We were able to take comfort in the company of each other as we mourned. Seeing the lines of people waiting to greet us and pay their final respects to mom and Francine, made us feel loved and supported during this incredibly sad time.

I have come to the realization, that attending a wake or sitting Shiva, is not just a time to feel sorrow and grief, but a way to acknowledge the living.

Another Funeral to Plan

I went with my brother to help with him the funeral arrangements.   Tim did not want any services on Sunday, (what would have been his 6^th anniversary).  That is totally understandable.  The wake will be on Monday and the funeral on Tuesday.  They chose the funeral home where Francine worked and loved.  Mr. Prout, the funeral director treated Tim and Francine’s mom so well.  The church is St. Lucy’s in Newark, where she was baptized, had her 1^st Communion, Confirmation and wedding..  That was her parish it is appropriate that is where she will have her funeral.

 They chose a coffin, with just enough “bling” to appease Francine while still being tasteful.  ((For those of you who knew Francine that would have made you laugh).    Her obituary was written, her outfit chosen and services decided on.

 Tim held up very well.  Her mom wept through it all.  I cannot begin to imagine how she feels losing a child.  She gave her ideas for what she thought Francine would have wanted.   They only thing that they had a difficult time deciding on was where she will be buried.  Her mom wanted her with her grandma.  Tim wanted her with our mom – and a place where someday he would join her.

 Many years ago, (when I was a teenager), my grandfather passed away.  He was buried in a crypt in a mausoleum.   At the time, my dad and his brother both purchased a crypt as well.   This way, they felt that one day, they would all be together.  Each crypt is a double, which means that they will be buried with their wives.  At the time, my uncle also bought another one.  Back when I was 17, I could not understand why he needed to do that.  They told us it was “to have just in case”.  Well, this seems to be the  “just in case”.  Many times Francine had told her mom and Tim, that she wanted to be buried in a mausoleum.  Tim seems to be finding comfort in the thought that she will be right next to our mom.

 Since Francine worked part time in the funeral home while she finished her schooling to become a mortician…her dream.  Perhaps when you regularly deal with death, there is not much about it that will faze you.  She was not afraid of death.  She dealt with it on a daily basis.  She talked openly about it and perhaps this will bring Tim some comfort.

Making an Entrance

If you live in our area, you probably noticed the wicked thunderstorm that we had on Wednesday night.  The storm began with an enormous black cloud rolling in.  We did not see in the hospital, but many people saw it and it was so ominous, they remarked about it.  An enormous thunderclap shook the windows of the hospital right at the time Francine died.  Everyone noticed!  The storm went on for quite awhile.  Several hours later, as we all left the hospital, the rain and thunder were over but the most beautiful lightening was filling the sky.   “A sign from Francine” I thought?!?!?

We all met for dinner last night at my grandma’s.  We went to tell her about Francine.  Once again, it was something that had to be done in person.  Needless to say, she was shocked.  She could not even comprehend what we were saying at first.  She just kept crying “Poor Timmy”.  Tim was there.  He sat with her and told her everything and made sure she knew how peacefully she left this world.  Once again, it was almost like a party, with nearly 20 of us there, eating, laughing, crying and just being together.

At one point, one of us began talking about that thunderstorm.  None of us had talked much about it while we were in the hospital.  I don’t know if we just didn’t want to sound silly, or did not know if it was appropriate but tonight when the subject came up, we realized that not only did everyone of us take notice of it, but all of us thought that it was a sign!   We had all taken note of the time.  Many of our friends and family had sent messages, texts, emails about the storm and how it coincided with Francine’s time of death and we compared those stories.

We all are convinced that somehow Francine was a part of that commotion – that tremendous thunderclap.  She loved to make an entrance and we all think that she was letting us know that she arrived and that was just her crashing through the pearly gates of Heaven…

because of course, she had to let us know that she had arrived.

Francine

Everyone knows that death is a natural part of life.  No one knows when it is his or her time to go.  Sadly sometimes it strikes unexpectedly.

Francine and Tim had just found out that she was pregnant- it was very early into the pregnancy. They knew that it was much too early to tell anyone yet, so they had not shared the news yet.  They were waiting to get results of their first ultrasound to tell.

Only my mom and Francine’s mom knew that they had been going for fertility treatments.  Although my mom died before they got pregnant, I know that Tim found comfort in the fact that she knew how hard they were trying.

Everyone always said Francine was “one in a million”.  She was a unique individual.  It is amazing that even in her death, she left this world as a statistic proving this to be true.  Francine died as a result of a very rare side effect of the fertility drugs.  So rare in fact, there are only 20 known cases recorded anywhere!  She had an adverse reaction where her brain swelled and caused bleeding in every part of her brain.  This caused irreversible damage.

She went to the hospital with severe morning sickness symptoms.  She was vomiting, had a horrible headache, earache and was dehydrated.  Tim, my dad, Francine’s mom and one of her best friends were with her.  Although she was not completely coherent, she was communicating with them.  This drastically changed over the next few hours.  My aunt and uncle, brother, sister and I joined them at the hospital around 11pm.  By this point, she was already in ICU with this devastating diagnosis.  They gave her several more brain scans throughout the night, each coming back with no change.

For the rest of the day, we made calls, and had friends and family gather to say their goodbyes.  Timmy held it together the way he always does.  He is the “funny guy” of the family.  He went from cracking jokes to lighten the mood of everyone, to sobbing at her bedside.  He talked to us about what he wanted her to wear for her funeral, and where he wanted her to be buried.  We let him talk.  He talked about her – funny stories, sad ones, silly ones, and wistful ones…. By this time he had been awake for over 24 hours and we tried to convince him to get some rest.  Of course he wouldn’t, other than a quick doze in the waiting room.

Visitors came all day long but at 6pm, the decision was made.  Tim gave the okay to turn off life support.  Her doctors were amazing and her nurses, even more so.  At many points of the day, I think the nurse was there more for Tim than they were for Francine.  Luckily, for some reason, the ICU was nearly vacant so they gave us very few restrictions that are usually reserved for that area of the hospital.  At one time, there were 17 of us in her room gathered around her as she received last rites and we all said our goodbyes.

This was so different than my mom’s goodbye.  For her, there were so many days for us to do it and because of that, her ending was much calmer.

Turning off the machines also was so different.  My mom lasted for 7 hours and Francine was almost instantaneous.   A few minutes at most.  At the end for my mom, it was just my dad, my older brother and myself.  Tim and my sister had just left but even after they came back it was just the five of us around mom.  Peaceful.

With Francine, there were so many people who needed to get there before it was too late and because the time frame was so quick it was just so different.  There was crying, wailing, sobbing and not a dry eye.

Today I will go with Timmy, my dad and Francine’s mom to make her funeral arrangements.

I realize that death will leave behind scars that don’t seem to fade, but when a death is unexpected, it just seems so much more painful. Two deaths so close together also seems unfathomable.   It will take a long time to recover, especially for Tim.  It sucks and it is cruel.  We can only hope that there truly is a reason for everything and that God has bigger plans for all of us.