The Club I Never Wanted to Join

My mom made it to the age of 67.  She got to see her four children grow up and three of us get married, She got to meet her four grandchildren and be a huge part of their lives.  Most people might think that was a life well lived.  I am in my 40’s, married, a mom with my own children and still, I am so sad without her.  Three weeks ago today – to this very hour she died.  Four weeks ago today this evening she really left us.  Living on machines for a week.  At least we got the chance to say good bye to her.  I just wish she could have done the same.

I am still thinking she is just away…maybe on a vacation.  I want to call her, tell her about my day.  We spoke everyday, most days more than once.  As I drive in my car, I am thinking of the things I need to tell her and then… I remember.  I have been thinking lately, that I have become a part of a new “club”.  One that I never asked to join.  I have been amazed at the love and support from everyone, but especially touched by those who have lost their own moms.  I have been told by more than one of them, “there is nothing as hard as losing a mom”.  So many times over the last few weeks, I have felt downright weepy and I wonder how our lives will be complete without her?  How is it fair that my children will have to grow up without her?  They were the light of her life and they thought the world of her.

Three weeks…21 days…have gone by.  I might not be able to call my mom everyday anymore to talk, but I have others that I can talk to.  So many people have been sympathetic to me, and it is just what I need.  A knowing smile from someone who has been through this, a hug, or a warm touch on the shoulder.  All of those right now, can bring me close to tears even though I know that they are doing it because they care – they know what I am going through.  I just wish that I did not have to join this “club” so soon.  I am so touched to have the compassion, empathy and support from all of them.  I don’t want that to stop.  Of course I wish it were my mom that was giving me all of this comfort, but right now, knowing how much others care is bringing me solace and I appreciate these gestures more than they could know.

Welcome Back

Today was my first day back to work since my mom died.  I have never taken so much time away from my class.  I was away from them for seven days.  I missed them and I know that they missed me too.  I knew that getting back to work was going to be hard but I also knew that it was going to be good for me.  The support that I have been receiving over the last two weeks, from the families of my students and from the staff at my school as been incredible.  Letters, cards, emails, messages, phone calls…it has been staggering.  Today was no different.  I thought that it was going to be difficult, but it was completely the opposite.  The solace and comfort I received from the teachers, the students and their parents was incredibly gratifying.

I walked into my classroom to see the most beautiful display.  It was a welcome back message.  I could not help but smile. Each child had made a flower and written something that they loved about me.  It almost brought me to tears, but this time, the tears were happiness.  It was exactly what I needed to start my day.  They were so excited to show it to me when they got to school.  They were as happy to see me as I was to see them.  It was so good to be back.