Supporting the Living

Before the death of my mom and Francine, I had been to wakes and sat Shiva for family and friends. In most cases at these events, I was the “visitor” and not the griever. I was going to pay my respects for the person I cared about or for their family.

At both a wake and sitting Shiva, you would find a gathering of people coming together to try to cop with the death of a friend, acquaintance or relative. I realized that wakes and Shiva seem very similar in so many ways with most obvious difference being that the wake is held before the burial and Shiva is after.

I always thought about them both as a way to say goodbye. Now that I have experienced it so closely, I have come to the realization that perhaps they are not held necessarily for the deceased but for the living.

At a point that has been the most sorrowful time of my life, it has enabled us the opportunity to be with friends and family recalling good times and wonderful memories. During mom and Francine’s wakes, there was a sense of solidarity – coming together in a celebration of love for them. As each guest arrived to pay his or her respects, I found myself not only sad but also invigorated and inspired. Old friends who I had not seen in years, and new friends all came to give support to our family. There was not a lot of time to share with each of them individually, but a hug and a smile and even shared tears were enough to let us know that they were here for us and that WE are loved as much as my mom and Francine. We were able to take comfort in the company of each other as we mourned. Seeing the lines of people waiting to greet us and pay their final respects to mom and Francine, made us feel loved and supported during this incredibly sad time.

I have come to the realization, that attending a wake or sitting Shiva, is not just a time to feel sorrow and grief, but a way to acknowledge the living.

The Way She Would Have Wanted It

Many people might think that if  we are mourning the death of someone, we should not be thinking about entertaining and having having a nice time.  Tonight, at mom’s wake, the mood was not somber.  Yes, it was sad.  Yes there were tears, but it was also lighthearted in some ways as well.  There were so many people who came to pay their respects to our family.  So many people that loved my mom came to show us how much that they cared about her.  There were stories shared and memories recalled.  I heard much more laughter than crying.  It seems that a gathering like this; lively and loud, may seem disrespectful to my mom but, my mom was not a quiet lady.  Anyone that knew her knew how much she loved a party.   She would not have wanted us to be there weeping by her side.  She would have wanted it just the way it was.  With laughter and love and joy being expressed by everyone.  That is the way she would have wanted any gathering that she was at, and one that is honoring her should not be any different.